up the ante

Ok, I have to let you all know that the guy who talks on his cell phone in the bathroom comes in a close second to people talking to me in the bathroom on the pet peeve scale. The only reason why the cellphone guy gets lower score than people directly interacting with me is because, well, he's not talking to me, he's just being a dick (no pun) to everyone who is trying to relieve themselves in peace. What do you think this bathroom is, a bus? well...I suppose it could pass for my bus, or vice versa, but anyway...

What I find amusing is that the cellphone pee-er comes in two distinct flavors: Terrorist and Hostage.
Terrorist cellphone pisser is the guy who enters the bathroom talking on his phone (and always loudly), pees, washes his hands (hopefully!) and then leaves, never breaking stride in his loud, asinine, self-important conversation. This guy is a bathroom terrorist because there's no way to ignore him. His talking loudly, like he's in his own bubble, is a passive aggressive way of trying to dominate everyone around him. He's important, his conversation is important, and he doesn't need to consider anyone on this side of the little speaker in his phone. This guy is only rumped (and actually, the talking-to-me pisser is also trumped) by the elite toilet-talking terrorist, the guy who does all of the above using his bluetooth Uhura-esque earphone. I imagine that this guy also eats dinner while he's sitting on the john at home and probably watches tv during sex, so I'm guessing he's at the top of a lot of people's lists. And of course, he does all of the above while yakking on his bluetooth cellphone.

More amusing is the cellphone-pissing-hostage. This is the guy who enters the bathroom like everyone else and starts doing his business at the urinal of his choosing. Sometime during his micturation he receives a phone call. He, being a cellphone-pisser, is not conscientious enough to mute the ringer and return the call later. He goes ahead and answers the phone. If he's lucky, he can end the call before he runs out of pee. If not, he gets trapped talking on the phone, his jones hanging out and dripping dry while he is locked in his urinal by his phone call. This guy is pitiful and annoying. Annoying because, hey, we all still have to listen to his stupid conversation (though this guy is more likely speak softer or limit his end of the conversation to single syllable answers) and maybe somebody else has to pee. He's pitiful because, well, he's unable to do more than one thing, or even focus on more than one thing at a time. I suspect that is it innate biological reflex that keeps his pee from stopping the second he answers the phone and backing up his kidneys, leaving him with a desperately painful need to finish peeing when the call is over. No, if that happened, he would quickly learn not ot answer the phone. But anyway, while annoying, I find it mildly amusing that this guy is standing there, dick in hand, phone in other hand, standing, not peeing (anymore) and talking...in public. How absurd is that? Of course, this guy is a major annoance because his phone-lock takes hold EVERYWHERE. This is the guy that made cellphones illegal while driving and who holds up the line at the grocery store. While he gets held hostage by his cellphone in whatever embarrassing or irritating situation, the rest of us get included in his conversations as collateral damage.